Grief of losing dog unbearable

[Murphy11]

Hello,

I posted back on March 30th about my dog Murphy who was very ill.

He had IBD and severe anemia and I had tried for 20 months to help him with tests and meds. After March 2019 he perked up a bit but last few weeks he went downhill and we finally made decision to euthanize him yesterday. The vets felt we were just fire fighting and he was tired and he was not responding to meds.

Over past few days we took him to his favourite places (carried him). Gave him treats and said our goodbyes. I did the quality of life scales. It always came back just over the cut off point that he was still ok to go on.

On his last day he buried a bone in his bed, was barking at the postman, could get up and down stairs to go loo. Was eating food (the meat he shouldn't have) and drinking. But he looked very sad, lacked energy, was restless, couldn't go for walk.

I am writing this as I feel unbearable regret and guilt. He passed peacefully at home. He went quickly. I held his head, my husband had his hand on his body. However, I feel I let him down, he trusted me and I gave up on him. I couldn't bear the thought of him dying alone or more treatment as it felt futile and that I needed to listen to the vets. However I now regret it and I WANT HIM BACK.

I cannot bear him not in the house. He was my life. I know I've taken away his pain but now think it was too soon as he was rallying on his last day.

My poor Murphy.

I cannot bear it - I am so sad. I wanted to put my feelings aside and do the best for him, which I thought I was doing by letting him go.....but now I feel I was just tired too and made the wrong decision.

The pain is unbearable

 

[Caro Perry]

You did make the right decision - you put his well-being first. Too many people let their dogs go on for "just a bit longer". He had a good last day, the best he could have.

I am so sorry for your loss xx

 

[JoanneF]

I also offer my condolences. You certainly haven't let him down. You have given him peace and freed him from pain, and stayed with him and showed him your love while you did it. I know your heart is breaking, it's because you loved him so much that it is like that. And you have loved and cared for him over many years, he would know that. Those years of devotion are easier, but as important, as the hard choice you had to make so please try to remember them too.

The Blue Cross has a pet bereavement counselling service that might be helpful if you want to call them.

0800 0966 606

Take care of yourself, we are here for you if you want supportive messages.

 

[Josie]

I’m so so sorry for your loss. What a terrible day it must have been for you and your husband and even the thought of not having my boy with me makes me cry so I can’t imagine what you feel.

Just keep remembering what a brilliant life you gave him. He had a loving home and a family who cared and now he’s at peace. Don’t let yourself focus on the ‘what ifs’ but the good times that you had together x x

 

[Josie]

P.S this forum is a place for you to talk about him as much as you like and get support on how sad you’re feeling.

If you don’t have a dog you don’t truly understand what a big part of your life they are.

We’re all here as dog lovers to support and listen to your happy memories x

 

[JudyN]

I am so sorry xx

You absolutely did not let Murphy down - quite the opposite. Yes, he might have had one more good day, one more good week, but it is more likely he would have had one more rubbish day, one more rubbish week. If you had waited until you KNEW it was the time was up, he would already be suffering. And dogs aren't interested in one more day, one more week, they just live in the moment.

But grief is very difficult, often no less so for dogs than for humans, and feelings of guilt are normal, even when not in the slightest justified. Do consider a pet bereavement service, such as the one JoanneF mentioned.

 

[Murphy11]

Thank you to everyone for your kind words. I would like to respond to you all individually but I just dont have the words only to say I keep re-reading everything and it all helps.

I just cannot believe he is not here. I have two young girls, 5 and 2, so I'm trying to hold it together as much as possible although I know it's ok to let them see grief, but not on the scales I feel it.

I do think about his swollen little body and how I just could not leave him to suffer. But then may be I should have got him to vet hospital. He had had 3 blood transfusions over the months but they didnt last.

Oh dear I'm doing the what ifs again!!! I know I need to stop blaming myself. I am a therapist yet I'm useless at listening to my own advice.

 

[Mad Murphy]

WE know. we have been there , we have stood by their side and offered up that prayer that says 'anything ..Ill do anything just let him be ok , give me ONE more day'

But deep down we all know we have to let go, we have to do whats right for them, we have to let them have the peace and rest they deserve.
You did not let Murphy down you gave him the greatest gift of all you gave him peace, you stayed with him , yours was the last voice he heard and yours was the last touch he felt , he would have felt safe and loved.

Each and everyone of us have to face this at some time and each and every one of us feels exactly like you do now. Let yourself grieve, be kind to yourself and know that you did nothing to beat yourself up about.

 

[Murphy11]

Thank you x x x

I'm taking it all in. Your support and understanding is so much appreciated

 

[JoanneF]

Thank you to everyone for your kind words. I would like to respond to you all individually but I just dont have the words

Don't worry about responding to us (I'm sure I speak for the others too). Just focus on getting yourself through this. (((hugs)))

 

[Rinkydinkydo]

In plain English... It's total crap having to play God, I've been there myself and I will be in that position again soon unfortunately,but it's something we must do. I've seen dogs that have been kept going for all the wrong reasons.
The way i cope is to think about all of the good times we had, and the good life they had compared to what some dogs through which must be a live hell for some.
So don't beat yourself up.... just think of the good times and smile.

 

[Ari_RR]

My beloved boy went suddenly despite our attempts to save him, so I never felt the guilt of letting go, but the pain is still there, 7 months later.

I don’t know what really helps.

We have a new dog now - that certainly helped, but it’s a huge step, not to be taken lightly.
Keeping his ashes helped too, to this day I pick up the urn and hold it in my arms from time to time, and it almost feels that I can still hug my dear boy..
Talking about him, telling some of our stories to those who listened helped.

But, I think, it will really never go away. I have tears in my eyes as I am writing. The pain and shock of losing him was indescribable, but in my heart I am convinced that it was well worth the wonderful 8 years we were inseparably together, and the unconditional love he gave us.

So, how much it hurts for you is a reflection of the relationship you had. You were both lucky to have one another, but everything comes to an end. And when it does - a quick ending is a blessing.

Hang in there. Time is the best healer. Meanwhile - do feel free to share with us more about your wonderful friend.

 

[Murphy11]

Thank you all and sorry for the loss and pain you've also had to suffer.

At the moment, I am mostly remembering the times I told him off for trying to steal food, eating kid's hwk, eating deer poo and mud and stone. His pica was bad so he was trying to get nutrients. For a long time before he ate mud and I was so cross because he was sick. Then when baby napping he would bark at every little thing and with no sleep and stress I told him off. I'm trying to think that it was my responsibility to tell him when he did wrong and also I was never mean to him and pack leaders do tell young when they need telling, like we do with children. Yet I keep thinking, he didn't know he was being naughty and I wished I'd never told him off once. I feel so guilty. He had to make room my daughters too and he was my baby. I tried not to ever leave him out but life was tough raising young kids and so inevitably he couldn't get all my attention.....more guilt. Although he got extra love from the girls.

Guilt round every corner..

Got his ashes. Not sure what to do with them. In scatter box, but now think I should keep them but ivr chosen wrong box now. You can see a theme here.......everything I do I think is wrong.

I know its grief talking too and I need to let it all out.......thank you for listening

 

[Ttaylor45]

Hello,

I posted back on March 30th about my dog Murphy who was very ill.

He had IBD and severe anemia and I had tried for 20 months to help him with tests and meds. After March 2019 he perked up a bit but last few weeks he went downhill and we finally made decision to euthanize him yesterday. The vets felt we were just fire fighting and he was tired and he was not responding to meds.

Over past few days we took him to his favourite places (carried him). Gave him treats and said our goodbyes. I did the quality of life scales. It always came back just over the cut off point that he was still ok to go on.

On his last day he buried a bone in his bed, was barking at the postman, could get up and down stairs to go loo. Was eating food (the meat he shouldn't have) and drinking. But he looked very sad, lacked energy, was restless, couldn't go for walk.

I am writing this as I feel unbearable regret and guilt. He passed peacefully at home. He went quickly. I held his head, my husband had his hand on his body. However, I feel I let him down, he trusted me and I gave up on him. I couldn't bear the thought of him dying alone or more treatment as it felt futile and that I needed to listen to the vets. However I now regret it and I WANT HIM BACK.

I cannot bear him not in the house. He was my life. I know I've taken away his pain but now think it was too soon as he was rallying on his last day.

My poor Murphy.

I cannot bear it - I am so sad. I wanted to put my feelings aside and do the best for him, which I thought I was doing by letting him go.....but now I feel I was just tired too and made the wrong decision.

The pain is unbearable

I am so sorry to hear about Murphy I know exactly how you feel I had to make that heartbreaking decision last year twice with my darling toy poodles Rusty in May 2018 and Pepe in November 2018 I had no choice Rusty had a growth near his liver and Pepe had Kidney disease as well as being virtually blind with cataracts and glaucoma. I still think if only I could have done something to keep them longer but both my vets assured me that it was the right and kindest thing to do for them. Please be kind to yourself and rest in the knowledge you did your best for him and he knew how much you loved him. I still feel very sad and miss them dreadfully but have decided that I will get another toy poodle puppy from the same breeder when she next has a litter. I hope the new puppy will be somehow related to my last two which I think will give me some comfort.

 

[niamh123]

I am so sorry for your loss I know exactly how you are feeling we lost our girl Sal to kidney failure in April she was only 23 months thankfully the vet took the decision out of our hands when Sal was diagnosed 3 weeks prior to her being PTS I asked the vet to tell us when she was suffering which she did and the decision was made to let her go but even though the vet made the final decision I felt terrible guilt I think this is felt by most owners at this difficult time.
We have lost Sal nearly 3 months and now when we talk about her now we have started smiling instead of crying but I still have bad days which can be expected
How are your children coping,my youngest has Autism and was devastated losing Sal but I showed her the Rainbow Bridge Video and explained that Sal was playing with her friends and is having a lovely time

 

[Murphy11]

Thank you for your messages and so sorry for your losses.

My children seem to be coping well. I'd prepared my eldest for what was happening.

I just feel numb

 

[Mayblossom]

Heartbroken for you and I am feeling the same myself after losing our beautiful Molly last Monday, our gorgeous girl had renal failure , was becoming incontinent, so very tired and the life had gone out of her eyes, we had to make the saddest decision and let her go as it broke our hearts to see her like this, we felt guilty too as on the Saturday before she left us she was chasing a ball in the garden and we thought she’ll be fine but we knew she wouldn’t , the following day she was really poorly and like your Murphy, wouldn’t eat . Lily, on my profile pic, is missing her friend who she’s been with for nine years and seems so sad and she hardly eats , hopefully she’ll be ok. Molly was a Springer and every time we see one the tears start again, it will get easier for you as time goes on and you’ll remember the happy times, we’ve been through this 11 times now and it gets harder every time. You have done the very best for Murphy as we all have for our wonderful pets, they can all sleep peacefully now , big hugs for you xxx

 

[JoanneF]

Heartbroken for you and I am feeling the same myself after losing our beautiful Molly last Monday, our gorgeous girl had renal failure , was becoming incontinent, so very tired and the life had gone out of her eyes, we had to make the saddest decision and let her go as it broke our hearts to see her like this, we felt guilty too as on the Saturday before she left us she was chasing a ball in the garden and we thought she’ll be fine but we knew she wouldn’t , the following day she was really poorly and like your Murphy, wouldn’t eat . Lily, on my profile pic, is missing her friend who she’s been with for nine years and seems so sad and she hardly eats , hopefully she’ll be ok. Molly was a Springer and every time we see one the tears start again, it will get easier for you as time goes on and you’ll remember the happy times, we’ve been through this 11 times now and it gets harder every time. You have done the very best for Murphy as we all have for our wonderful pets, they can all sleep peacefully now , big hugs for you xxx

I'm so sorry. I didn't know you had lost her. Thinking of you x

 

[Mayblossom]

Thanks Jo, she was such a special girl and we miss her terribly, never seen hubby so heartbroken, he can usually hold it together for me but not this time.

 

[Murphy11]

So sorry to hear about Molly. I felt the life had gone out of Murphy's eyes too.

I'm finding it so hard to be in the house. Everything reminds me of him. I've still got his water out and uneaten kibble and his hidden bone in his bed. I cant face moving them.

My husband also cried. First time in 26 years of being with him. Dont get me wrong, he is a great hubby, just not at all emotional......we said Murphy's parting gift was to give him empathy. That has helped too as we can share the grief and understanding. He is still 100% sure we did the right thing. I'm trying to get there. But still obsessing I let him down. Going over all the vets letters. Googling everything. Blaming myself for stopping a med which then started a chain reaction (even though was vets advice).

Sorry I'm rambling. Just looked for him...cannot believe he is not sitting with me staring at me