She isn't telling me it's time

[Mariachristina]

Hello, I'm new here with the worst problem of all. Everyone says 'You'll know when it's time - but I don't.

My beloved Lucy has had a tumour in her jaw/throat which stopped responding to chemo some months ago. Her oncologist advised euthanasia 4 months ago when she could do no more, and there were metastases in the lungs, and our vet has told me to make my mind up 'whether or not Lucy seems well or ill'.

Lucy has bursts of coughing/hacking/retching/gulping and she gets thick mucus in her mouth which she tries to swallow. Her throat is restricted, but I mush and wet her food and she takes it well. Her treats are cream cheese and pate to lick from a dish and she goes out for a tub of ice-cream every day.

She has had a few nights when she has coughed a lot, and I have made my mind up, only to change it in the morning when she gets up as bright as ever. She loves her food, in spite of the difficulty; she brings her toys for me to play; she's not keen on walking, as she has elbow dysplasia, but her eyes light up when I give in and throw her ball - she runs for that, but gets puffed after a while; she walks ahead when we get near the ice-cream shop, and enjoys a large tub; she sleeps quite peacefully with slow respirations; she is always responsive and affectionate; she loves the dog swimming pool, and swims strongly.

So, in spite of my vet's advice, my loving instinct has been to judge from Lucy's quality of life and not to heed the advice. However, today I felt her throat and the lump is so big that I can't understand why she isn't in intolerable discomfort eating and breathing, and why she seems so happy.

Has anyone else experienced this sort of dilemma? The decision has never been so difficult with my other lovely dogs. I would be so grateful to any help - I am so tired of being told 'You'll know'.

 

[Juliatee]

You poor darling and judging by the time on your posting you are anguishing in the middle of the night which is the worse possible time. I guess if she is still eating, walking and is responsive to you keep going, but on the other hand you want to avoid a sudden collapse.. I know this is not helpful, but as someone who will be facing the same dilemma sooner or later it's just to let you know that I really empathise with you and thinking about you.

Regards

Juliatee

 

[brackenben]

Hi, so sorry you are going through this, it is the hardest thing knowing when the right time is, and like juliatee, I will be facing this decision myself, so fully empathise with you, as long as you think she still has quality of life and not in pain, then just continue as you are. Thinking of you.

 

[lurcherman]

If the chemo isn't working and from what you've wrote then it sounds like the time is here but as I'm not in your shoes and can't see the dog then it's hard for anyone on here to judge.

 

[Chatterdog]

Our retriever grew very weak, the pain meds for arthritis didn't seem to help and were all ready at top dose with regular blood tests. She struggled to get up and take herself to the loo. We realised that although her soul could go on forever but it wasn't fair to let her be in pain or struggle the way she was.

Our current lab is in heart failure and growing weaker and although meds are keeping it at bay, the point when she can no longer take herself out or eat weel i think we will make the same decision.

It is tough to say and only you know what it is like but I would suggest that you sit and think about it, don't rush. She is clearly a happy dog and has some time for you to make that decision, I personally would say it's time now while she is poorly but well in herself rather than leave it for a long time and see her suffering.

I am almost in the same position again, all the best xx

 

[Mariachristina]

Thank you all so much for your kindness, and I hope that you will all find more strength than I did for that final terrible decision.

My dearest girl was put to sleep on Friday, and I am distraught and inconsolable. After I sent my original post she remained pretty much as I described then, but I knew that the coughing must have been distressing for her and, although she was as ready and eager for meals as always, it was hard to see the effort she had to make to swallow the mushy mixture as I held the dish for her, and I was so afraid that eventually her throat would close up with the hard cancerous mass pressing on it and she would be unable to swallow. On Thursday she was rather subdued all day, and I felt that I should make the decision very soon. On Friday she got up happily and ran downstairs, did her toiletting and settled by my side for the morning, but again seemed a bit subdued. Somehow I found myself phoning the vet, almost unintentionally and told her it was time. The earliest she could come was 7.00pm, and Lucy recovered her spirits, brought out her toys, ate her meals, licked up her cream-cheese treat, went out and walked a little way unwillingly, but did five retrieves out of deep grass, enjoyed her last big ice-cream and lay down contentedly afterwards while I cried into my cup of coffee. She jumped up into the back of the car easily to come home, and was contentedly asleep by 7.00pm.

I will never be able to forget how she welcomed the vet and vet nurse, then obediently went into her bed at my command and lay down while a she was given a sedative and fell asleep. I felt like a murderer betraying her innocent trust. I hope and pray that she felt no more - the vet assured me that she could not - but she had to try twice to find a vein. She also warned me that Lucy would seem to vocalise after death, as the air escaped from her lungs, and there would be other involuntary movements. This has not happened before in my experience, and it adds to he overriding sense of guilt that I sent my beautiful and loving constant companion away from me too soon. My heart is broken, and I cannot believe in these sleepless hours, that time will heal.

Thank you again Chatterdog, Lurcherman, Brackenben and Juliatee.

 

[lurcherman]

Time will heal but please just remember all of the very best times you had as remembering the end is not ideal , I recently put a dog to sleep for a friend while I was on holiday and the same day drove back to Scotland, the journey was horrible but in the end we have to make the correct decision for the dog

 

[Chatterdog]

MariaChristina, you are a very caring doggy mum. It is the hardest decision but I feel when in these sort of situations, it is a necessary decision to avoid unnecessary pain and suffering. Your dog was clearly cared for and loved, her gentle and welcoming nature shows she was not in distress.

Dogs are a blessing and although they are only here for a short time we will never forget them we they are gone. I feel your pain for one we have lost and I dread the time for our second which is fast approaching.

Keep strong you will see hear again in time xx

 

[Mariachristina]

Chatterdog, thank you for that. It is so generous of you to think of me when you have your own past and future losses to bear and deal with. I will think of you too. This was taken quite near the end and the radiotherapy-bleached fur is visible on Lucy's poor neck, as well as the licked-out yogurt carton! I can't think of the good times so easily yet, Lurcherman, but I am going to one of Lucy's favourite beaches on the Rhinns of Galloway to grieve for a while on my own. Maybe it will help.

 

[Juliatee]

Remember

For all the dogs you have loved and lost

For all the dogs you still love

For all the dogs yet to come

Making the inevitable decision and facing up to it is the last great kindness you can give your dog. You did the right thing. Be brave, keep going.

Love,

Juliatee

 

[Parly]

Oh God this is heartbreaking.

Sorry for the late response but only just spotted your post. Before I scrolled further down my immediate reply was that maybe you should be the one to call it rather than wait until she starts to reach late stage and lets you know for sure. Only advice I had was continue giving her every bit of love, time and the best quality of life you can but summon the strength to call time because nobody else is better qualified to know when that is.

That you rang the vet almost without realising shows you knew and did absolutely what was right for her. Not many can or will do that and try everything to delay the inevitable which is understandable but not always fair.

I promise you that making that call was the last act of kindness you showed your best friend.

Take care and keep posting on this. :flowers:

 

[Mariachristina]

Thank you Parly, I will keep posting about this, and about other things on this lovely forum, because writing here and receiving so much kindness from people who understand has helped. It's still hell, but the rational bit of me knows it WILL get better with time.

 

[Shewbert]

Receving advice from others for a sensitive subject is not easy in any way or form.

You have loved Lucy through thick and thin, she has given you her love back ten fold.

Lucy is a big part of your family, you will eventually be losing this member of your family.

If your daughter called Lucy was on a life support and the doctors stated that it was time to switch the machines off,, what would you do in that scenario?

OK Lucy is at home, the vetrinary staff stated that everything the can do is not working,they asked you if you wish for them to stop her suffering before it gets worse.

Animals are excellent at hiding pain, this is inherited,, pain causes weakness.

Lucy can pick up on your anxiety and will do anything to please you, whether in pain or not.

It's hard to say, but don't you think it is time for you to let poor Lucy go whilst she still has a bit of dignity.

It takes courage and will be distressing to you and your family.

Vets are very sympathetic in peacefully letting your animals go with dignity.

My daughter is a vet, she does believe it helps a lot when the owner of the pet is present whilst the dog is placed to sleep,

the owner can gently stroke and talk to the dog until the enevitable happens, the dog will know someone she knows and loves is with her.

Being with your dog at the end will not ease your berevement, but you will know your dog's last memory was your loving words.

No one can tell you when you are ready, but if you really love Lucy wouldn't it be better that this is done sooner than later.

My heart goes out to the both of you

Please keep us informed on Lucy

Shewy

 

[Mariachristina]

Shewbert, your post is dated 1st November, and thank you for it, but if you look back in the thread you will see that my beautiful Lucy was put to sleep on 11th September.

I did say that I would keep posting, but after almost two months I am still not handling the loss of Lucy very well. I have dearly loved all my dogs, but one died very suddenly, in a matter of seconds, while young and full of life and strength, so I had no part in her death. The others were ill, and it was perfectly clear to me that the time was right. Lucy, however, as I said, was happy and playful on her last day, and I have not yet fully accepted that, in trying to spare her eventual suffering, I may have deprived her of many more days of happy life. The memory of that last day is never far from my mind, and it is incredibly painful yet.

I spent a lot of time in the past touring in my little caravan with Lucy - taking her to beaches, for she loved swimming in the sea, so I have spent much of the time since her death in 'our' places, and at least I can now have a day or two without crying out loud! This time has also given me a lot of dog therapy - bless them, most of them seem to know, and run up for a pat, kiss or cuddle, or to drop a slobbery ball expectantly at my feet (collies and spaniels mainly!). As I have a labrador-shaped hole at my side I have filled in forms for three labrador rescue societies. The one I have rescued one from before (Lucy's predecessor) has accepted me on the long waiting list, but I have not heard from the others. Labrador bitches do not 'stick' long, but it is the breed that I most understand and love - especially those from working lines.

While in our very favourite place I searched for a suitably large smooth stone on the beach and had a local monumental mason inscribe it with Lucy's name and dates for me to place in my garden. He did it beautifully, and I had him do the same for all my lovely, clever, faithful dogs. Tomorrow I am going home to a sad house, but I will make and plant my little rockery and hope it won't be too long before memories of Lucy also become as happy as are the memories of those who went before her.

Thanks to everyone again for all the kind and helpful posts.

 

[Mariachristina]

Well, I said I'd keep in touch about this, so here goes.

I went away in the caravan to Lucy's favourite beach in Galloway, and, as its usually deserted, I could dry out loud if I wanted to, and I did. Several other doggy people I met were so sympathetic, and often I got them weeping for their past losses as well. Not ready to go home, where unrelated stress awaited me in the shape of a relative staying while searching for a house in the area, I moved on to Edinburgh for three weeks - the place where Lucy and I had a lovely Christmas in 2014, staying with one of my sons. I was by then managing better, so went home, but had reckoned without being hit so hard again by the house without Lucy. I did then wonder if going away had been a good idea. i went into a depression and ate and put on weight, and didn't get over it at all. By now, hardier souls will be thinking, I should have been taking myself in hand, and I had indeed started joining the waiting lists on various rescue sites. I got a knock-back from the rescue organisation where I got a previous rescue dog when the rehoming officer made it clear I was considered too old to adopt (based on nothing more than chronological age on an application form). That made the depression worse, as I thought I would not be able to have a dog again - I am indeed too old to start with a puppy, and was applying for a dog of 7+ years. However, I soon found that those organisations that do a home visit and sent someone to see me and my home had no such scruples and approved me. At last, just before Christmas I was fortunate enough to be approved to adopt a beautiful Labrador girl who has just been retired from a long career as a search dog. I will post a pic. if I can find out how to get one from my tablet to this site (I'm not computer-literate!) and I will have some problems to post about re rehoming a big, strong, gorgeous, affectionate girl who has previously been kennelled and can't believe her luck in getting her very own personal human, so is a bit demanding when she thinks I've nothing to do. She keeps me very busy in the day, but I stilll have weeps for Lucy at night.

 

[JoanneF]

Of course you will miss Lucy forever but what lovely news about your new companion. She has struck gold to be paired with someone who has so much to give her. Enjoy each other's company.

 

[gypsysmum]

There is a wonderful saying about making the terrible decision that we all dread -

Better a day too soon than a day too late.

You made the right decision at the right time for your dog. If she could she would say "Thank You".

So pleased you have a new best friend in your life.

 

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