Mental Hospital Phone Message

[maryfay]

Hello and thank you for calling the Western State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or during the beep, or after the beep.

But please, please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down, and have a good cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

 

[wild whippies]

PMSL! I love this, I think I've left it as an answerphone message on Stormy's moby before now! :lol:

 

[hely]

brilliant (w00t) (w00t)

 

[Strike Whippets]

That is absolutely brilliant :lol: :lol:

 

[posh totty]

(w00t) love it!!!

 

[nicky12]

:lol:

 

[jinx and rubys mum]

(w00t) (w00t) (w00t) (w00t) (w00t) (w00t) (w00t)

Just trying to work out which categories I fit into today!!!!! :- "

 

[lillybet]

Think I fit all of those on different days :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Lillibet

 

[argos1]

:lol: :lol: :lol: lmao thats fantastic being a psychiatric nurse and blonde i find that really funny made my day lol.x

 

[peppermint lady]

(w00t) :lol: :lol:

pmsl

 

[BlueNoise]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[dawn]

On a similar theme

From the pen of Les Barker - a great (miss)user of the English Language whose poems include Cosmo the fairly accurate knife thrower - Dachshunds with erections can't climb stairs - and this one VOICEMAIL i.e. the automated message that you hear when no-one is able (or wants) to answer your call

[SIZE=14pt]VOICE MAIL[/SIZE]

 

Thank you for calling today;

Our staff are here to inform or discuss,

But first let me assure you that

Your call is very important to us.

 

With every hour that passes,

Our commitment to you grows stronger

And so we’ll play the Birdie Song

And ignore you for a little longer.

 

Thank you for calling today;

Your call is in a queue

I think you might as well forget

Whatever else you had to do.

 

We applaud your great persistence in

This long and hard endeavour;

Please dial 1 for a 20 minute message

Of no relevance to you whatsoever

 

Dial 2 to access our menu

Dial 3 to access nothing at all

Dial 4 to be mysteriously disconnected

And have to make another call.

 

Thank you for calling today

To avail of our voicemail facility;

We thank you for your patience

And continuing stupidity.

Try listening to some extracts (and buying the albums) at PickleHead

 

[05whippet]

Love both of those!! :lol: :teehee: :thumbsup: