Any New Jokes?

[Noni]

I have a friend who is having chemotherapy every couple of weeks and I have been putting a joke a day into an envelope for her to open during the week of her chemo. I've got three jokes for next week and need at least three more... anyone got any good ones? This is brilliant site for jokes and I have found most of the ones I've used so far from here.

Help gratefully received!

 

[meddling]

what a lovely thing to do :thumbsup:

GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

 

 

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

 

 

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '

 

 

'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident.'

 

 

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'

 

 

'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .

 

 

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

 

 

Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...

 

 

In a quiet voice he said:

'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'

 

 

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

 

 

 

 

 

'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss.....

and it probably widnae be a f*cking accident

either!

 

[John Marsden]

his & hers diary page one saturday

HERS

he was quiet,subdued,just not himself. somthing was wrong, he hasnt kissed me all night.not even looked in my direction . i think its another woman. i went to bed & cried. he followed me up later. i cuddled up to him and stoked his hair. he lay still. eventually we made love and fell asleep in each others arms .

HIS

england lost, bleeding gutted, got a shag though !!!

 

[mutley]

 

[wild whippies]

The Seven Dwarves are in Rome visiting the Vatican. They all go up to

the Pope's door and Dopey steps forward and rings the doorbell.

The Pope answers the door and asks, "Dopey, my son, what can I do for

you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me your excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns

in Rome?"

The Pope smiles and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in

Rome." In the background, the Pope can see a few of the other dwarves

giggling.

Dopey then asks, "Your holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?"

The Pope looks at Dopey and answers "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns

in Italy." At this answer, half of the other dwarves start laughing

openly.

Dopey continues, "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in all of

Europe?"

The Pope, getting tired of these questions, answers, "Dopey, there are

no dwarf nuns in all of Europe." This time, all of the dwarves are

rolling on the ground laughing.

Dopey says, "Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in ALL the world?"

The Pope, frustrated by now, says, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns

ANYWHERE in the world!"

At this answer the other dwarves start laughing, jumping up and down,

and chanting, "Dopey sh***ed a penguin! Dopey sh***ed a penguin!"

 

[wild whippies]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as

he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed

wearing a long flowing white Robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my

bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to

live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me

back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We

can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his

house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was

covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling

welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how

are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside

like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never

laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out

from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his

emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the

first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming

and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that

ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he

felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife

shouting...

"Dave, wake up you drunken ba$**rd, you've S**t the bed!

 

[wild whippies]

The Funeral

One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse going down the street, followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked who was in the first one.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Dave was taken aback. "And who's in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well."

Dave asked,"Can I borrow your dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

 

[Bluebell]

A woman in the jewellers farts bending over 2 look at a beautiful diamond ring.

 

She looks round,embarrassed, and sees the salesman right behind her.

 

Totally professional, he says "good day madam, how may i help you?"

 

Hoping he hadn,t heard her 'fart', she asks "sir, wots the price of this ring?"

 

He replies, "madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to s**t yourself when i tell you!"

 

[The Whistler]

Who Is Your Best Friend?

Is your dog or your husband your best friend?

To find out, put them in the trunk of your car and drive around for a while. Stop. Open the trunk and see which one is the happiest to see you. :lol: :lol:

 

[Noni]

Thank you all!

I'm collecting for this week and the future!

Seeing her tomorrow with her five envelopes for the week!

 

[Whippets4eva]

A man suggests to his wife, "Darling, shall we try swapping positions tonight." "That's a great idea," she replies. "Why don't you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and break wind."

----------------------------------------------------------

A man says to his new girlfriend: "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly." "Well," she replies, "You succeeded."

 

[The Whistler]

A chap breaks down with 3 monkeys in the back of his van. 2 minutes later an Irishman pulls up behind him and asks can he help. The van driver replies "Ill give you 100 quid to take these 3 monkeys to the zoo thats 20 minutes down the road." The irishman agrees, so puts the monkeys on the back seat of his car and sets off. An hour later the van driver who is still on the side of the road spots the irishman comming back down the road with the monkeys still on the back seat. He goes up to the window and ask's the irishman "What the hell are you doing? I asked you to take these monkeys to the zoo" To which the irishman replies..

"I did but I still have 40 quid left so im taking them bowling!!!!" :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: